The day you wake up and realize what really matters is an unusual day and a day of celebration. I speak as a changed woman; a woman who has not withstood the terrors of war or pestilence or anything so violent, but a woman who has stared her own worst fears in the face.
Fear is a curious thing, really, and nothing is ideally operable under it's circumstance. Fear is not a motivator, but a reactive agent. It is a blazing, fiery red flag. To face fear is to stare at it's flag, watch it as it marches into your life and look at it not as the enemy, but as an indicator of something else. Fear is internal. What makes us fearful? Is it ever rational and what is a healthy response to fear?
I'm not an expert and I'm not sure but I think that fear is never a rational thing because in a state of fear, no one can be rational. No one can be fearful and live a purposeful life.
So what are my fears? I guess it's time to come clean. My fears were many and my myriad of trepidation was completely ridiculous. Let's start with the most silly.
I was afraid of blowing up to ridiculous proportions and that no one would want to look at me, be my friend, or ever love me. So why did I feel that way? I have struggled with my weight my entire life. The fact of the matter; as a matter of fact, is that people love me and could care less what I look like, or if I had my own zip code.
I was the one who could not stand to look at myself. I was the one who hated myself and put myself..my own body..through years of torture and starvation to try to fade away..to shrink within myself. Years of diets, different flavors of the same denial of self, left me empty, hollow and weak. I've tried everything from popping pills, laxatives, starvation, regurgitation, and drowning it out with alcohol (which by the way, makes you hungry.) So what was I really thirsty for?
As I nearly faded away into myself..into a life less extraordinary..I was full of doubt. I never thought I could be anything remarkable and, moreover, I compensated for what I lacked with an exaggerated fascade of self. I was a woman hiding behind a mask of fake self-assurance.
I was an actor. I felt like a fraud.
To be quite honest, I'm not much of a bartender. I am also the worst waitress in the world. I am a complete idiot most of the time. I am clumsy and trip over my own feet. I have created new levels of dumbassery, really.
But why? How the hell did I manage to make it through college, facing even the mathematical nuances of calculus, and graduate with honors. I'm an idiot savant. I'm the rain man of Murray, KY.
That's enough for now. I have to go to work now and try to know my ass from my apron strings:-) Color me a little more perceptive.
