We just wrapped a Love Letter to Myself, a Jesse Gilstrap film. I had never been involved in film and had never acted, but fell in love with it. In the process, I fell in love with Isabel, my character. Isabel is in a long term relationship with Peter, a manchild who is emotionally unavailable and views Izzy as an object rather than appreciating her for her best qualities within. Jesse said I reminded him of Izzy. After wrapping, I realize that he was right. I am Izzy. Those who know me well know that a similar struggle has shaded my past relationships, for the most part.
I also realized that I am also a lot like Jack, who is a truth-seeker, a man who searches for answers and identity in several different ways, only to find that the truth was staring him in the face. He's always running; propelled toward some unknown destination. He wrestles with himself--his views of religion, relationships, sex and friendship.
There are no spoilers here, only my own admissions about myself.
Within these truths, I found clarity and a bit of peace. So I decided to take interference and ambiguity out of my equation. I have decided to take a step back, delve deep and focus on introspection. In order to do this, I have to eliminate many things from my life. My first step is a difficult one; no boys for an entire year. I will not give my love away. I have to focus all that energy on my own life and love myself. That's not to say that I won't love. I love my friends and family and they are my always in my heart. I am saying that I will not lose focus of who I am or where I am going. I cannot cross paths with another and lose sight of my own journey.
What next? I have no idea. I will simplify my life. I will hone my abilities. I will rediscover what I love about myself and become more of what I love than what I feel obligated to be.
So who are we, really, after we cut out all the bullshit? What is it that lies beneath the realm of expectation and mainstream propaganda? I guess that is my journey and I am going to write about it. Perhaps you will follow along. Perhaps you will begin your own journey. Perhaps you are already at your destination, but I'm pretty sure that no one ever gets there. It's the yearning, the striving, the listening, the observation, the introspection and the wise words of poets and prophets.
Elizabeth Bishop wrote, in her poem "One Art", "The art of losing isn't hard to master. Most things seem filled with intent. To be lost, their loss is no disaster."
So, I'm gonna start to lose. I'll lose the things that don't matter.
Listening to: "Sky Blue Sky," the album by Wilco
Reading: random poetry (but have added "Eat Pray Love" to my reading list.)
Watching: Love Letter to Myself
Mantra: I am a mirror to the world
